It has been a little more than a month. Five weeks and one day to be exact (since our girl died). I am coming to realize that this cross Jesus has given me… it is a cross that isn’t going away. But the Lord is showing me that the glory He has waiting is worth it. This life is not the end, and I don’t have to carry it forever, just this side of heaven. Our eternal life is so much bigger than we can even imagine.

“Your grief is extreme, and it is lawful, even though you feel no doubt of their eternal salvation.” In Heaven We’ll Meet Again

Death is a result of sin. Because of Satan, sin and death entered the world. Death does not feel good. But God… He makes even death good. For it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

That is the lifecycle of a Christian. We die and rise many times. A piece of me has died. But God will raise it up. We are born into sin and baptized to new life. We go through little deaths when we die to ourselves and allow God’s life-giving Will to come in. Dying in body allows our soul to be fully united with God in new life.

Death -> Resurrection -> New Life -> again and again in this life. With each cycle we climb in holiness until our final death.

Sometimes I fear I will never be the person I was before my daughter died. And I’d be right. I won’t… because God is creating something new in me. It’s painful, unbearable even, and at times I want to run. But it is a refinement.

The last week of her life was the hardest week of my life up to that point. Sometimes I cannot imagine why God gave Sivana to us. Why he chose us, two completely imperfect people who maybe weren’t cut out for this.

I didn’t grow her inside me or experience labor pains, nor was she was never even legally ours. But God entrusted her to my motherly care, and I loved her with everything in me. He chose me to hold her in those tender moments. And more so, he chose her. Of all the many kids who are tragically removed from their first families and in need of a family to stand in for them, he chose this little soul who had endured and suffered much. To change ME. To make me a mother. To teach me more deeply about self-sacrifice. About giving up my body, my desires, my comfort. She taught me to delight. To play. To rest. To be present. I didn’t know those hard days would be our last days. But God knew.

When she passed, I felt angry that those were the last days. I can truly say that I had no regrets about our time together. But I wished her last days weren’t home sick watching Paw Patrol. But God knew. She was teaching us how to be parents. How to love. How to Sacrifice. She was pretty much being held on one of us for those 3 days straight. She was vulnerable and in need. Those days were sacred and needed. Those days were a refining. Her last task on this earth. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for entrusting this sweet angel baby to our arms. We wouldn’t be who we are if not for her.

So, while it felt like those were the worst days of my life, learning to grieve and live without her is much worse. I hold so much joy and consolation that she is with God. I’m thankful for that grace. But my body aches in way that I fear may never go away. So we trust that eternity is waiting for all of us, that any suffering in this life will be rewarded in the next, and look forward to the day we are reunited.